QOTM August 2021 - How Can I Get Started with Anal Sex?

Posted by Candice Simpson on

Anal sex is still a taboo topic for many people. Some people will flat out refuse to even consider the act. On the other hand, this taboo can be an incredible turn on for some and engaging in such a “forbidden” or “dirty” act can be extra exciting. And for some anal sex is just another way to expand their sexual repertoire or try new forms of sexual play.

Whatever you or your partner’s reason may be to try anal sex, anal play can be very pleasurable and can even lead to extremely intense orgasms. The anus is full of very sensitive nerve endings which react nicely to stimulation. Furthermore, anal sex can produce prostatic orgasms in people with prostates (as well as the linked health benefits of prostate massage), and stimulate the G spot and deliver exceptional orgasms in people with vaginas.

Read on for some great tips for when you are ready to take the plunge.

Before You Start

Great anal sex begins with feeling comfortable. One of the easiest ways to feel more comfortable with anal play is making sure your butt is clean beforehand. Washing externally with warm soap and water is sufficient, but if you’d like to make sure there aren’t any leftovers from your last movement hanging around, inserting a finger to rinse with water only can be a good quick clean up method. Not only that, but it can help to get you an idea of how it will feel when you are ready to do the real thing. If you are really paranoid or just want to do a deep clean, douching is the way to go. But that’s a whole other article in itself.

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Solo Play

Solo play will allow you to help train your sphincter muscles. During masturbation or while showering you can try to slide a lubed-up finger slowly and gently into your anus to train the control and release of the muscles. (In the shower it makes more sense to use a silicone-based lubricant since water based will wash away too easily. For more info check out our previous blog post on lubes) This will help you become comfortable and learn what I type of size or stimulation of movement is comfortable in the area. Make sure to continue to breathe, as holding your breath will tighten the muscles and have the opposite of the desired effect.

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Take it Slow and Relax

With anal play speed is key (or rather the lack thereof). You never want to go too fast. As a matter of fact, you should probably start even slower than you initially thought. The anus needs time to be able to relax and stretch. Start by inserting a finger (make sure to cut your fingernails) or a very small toy. Give your partner plenty of time to get used to the pressure in the rectum and the stimulation of the area. Wait a few minutes before you continue to a larger width.

Sometimes you may have to stop and switch to other types of stimulation/play and pick up where you left off again later. Add stimulation to other erogenous zones to increase overall stimulation. Rubbing, stroking, tickling, or teasing places that you know your partner already enjoys will ease the tension they may be feeling while they feel the pressure of their anus stretching. It will also lead to a more pleasurable experience for the both of you and can make this experience a positive one when it is so easy for this to be a negative one. Take your time, listen to your partner and then slowly work your way towards orgasm.

Another technique is to start later in the proceedings, aka when you’re in the middle of sexy time. Wait until you or your partner are close to orgasm before adding new types of play or stimulation. Being aroused changes the hormones in your body and can have a palliative effect (i.e. reduce pain). These hormones can also help you to relax and experience pleasure more profoundly.

Penetration optional

Penetration is entirely optional and does not have to be part of an enjoyable anal experience. Before actual penetration you can just play with or stimulate the butthole. There are ways to press, fondle, stroke, and swirl your way around the area to allow yourself or your partner to become more comfortable with pleasurable sensations in the region. Try oral stimulation of the anal area. The idea is to take your time and then maybe go to full penetration at a later date, if your partner or you aren’t comfortable with the experience.


Anal beads are a good starter toy since they are graduated, and you can insert as much or little as you feel comfortable with. Once you are comfortable with that, work your way up. There are toys of all shapes and sizes specifically made for anal play that you can try out and experiment with. Again, be careful and start small. There are also training kits specifically made to help train your sphincter (aka the muscles in your anus) to be able to accept bigger sizes over time so that when it is time for penetration (if that is your end goal), it will be easier and not as scary.

Click here to shop training kits.
Click here to shop anal beads.

Lube up

Lube, lube, lube! The MOST important thing to remember about anal play is to use copious amounts of (compatible) lube. Especially when you or your partner are new to it. If you think you have enough, add just a little more. The anus does not self-lubricate (unlike the vagina), so lube is a necessity. If you don’t use enough (or any at all) there is a very real chance to hurt yourself badly. Anal fissures (Small tears in the skin) are no fun. Don’t forget that you still will need to make use of your butt every day, so treat your body kindly.

If you are using a toy or condom, make sure to use a lubricant that is compatible with the material it is made of. For more info on this check out our previous blog post here.

Click here to shop lubes.

Use a Condom

Anal sex is still sex: There’s a rumor going around that you can keep your virginity if you just do anal sex instead of vaginal sex. But I’m here to tell you that anal sex is still sex. (And virginity is just a social construct, anyway). You will still need to protect yourself and your partner from any STIs. As a matter of fact, the skin inside the anus is much thinner than the skin inside the vagina, so it tears easier. (Don’t let this scare you off, just follow the instructions above and you will be golden!) More tears = easier for an STI to be transmitted.

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Parting notes – Be Safe and Communicate

  • If you or your partner are just not into it while exploring it, don’t force it and maybe revisit it a few days/weeks/months later. Orgasm may not happen the first time you try anal sex. Just be patient and try again.
  • Make sure to listen to your partner and what signals they give you (verbal or non-verbal).
  • Use lots of lube.
  • Anal sex can absolutely never result in a pregnancy.
  • Cut your fingernails if you want to use fingers for penetration
  • Never put a penis or toy in a vagina that has recently been in an anus without serious washing up or changing of condoms (you really don’t want feces or anal bacteria in your urethra or vagina)
  • NEVER use numbing agents. (That’s why we don’t sell them) Numbing agents will make it harder to tell if your partner is pushing a bit too hard and you will definitely be sore the next day and may even have anal fissures (tears in the lining of the anus) due to trying to stretch out your butt too fast.
  • Use lots of lube (in case we haven’t mentioned that yet)

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